My children. We have lived a pretty open life at least for the last 14 years. I’m grateful for that, but it’s a misnomer. They have lived in that house, not me. They’ve still no idea about a lot of my life, so I’ve decided to make a list.
1. They may not know that I’ve struggled with depression since I was 16. Though they do know that when I was 23, I was diagnosed with bipolar and I never went back to that psychiatrist because I was afraid and ashamed.
They may not know that the reason my Christian faith is so strong is because of the ways I’ve seen God move in our lives. All they see/saw was the legalistic side that I had for a while. It took the removal of their dad’s influence to see that God loves me for me and end legalism. Some would call what I went through was spiritual abuse where Biblical principles were used out of context to belittle me.
They may not know that I still pray for them. I can no longer make choices for them, but I have confidence that God still has them in his hand.
They may not know that I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because I remember that I was a strict mom and harsh because I had to prove to shitty people I could be a “good” parent. Even though I’ve asked for their forgiveness, I may never really fully forgive myself.
They may not know that I was decently athletic when I was young. Cheerleading for a season, basketball, softball, down hill skiing, cross country skiing, jogging, aerobics, etc. Hard to believe now I know.
They may not know that I was in 4H. I learned cooking, sewing and crocheting. I have 3rd place ribbons in my scrapbook from when I was a kid.
They may not know that I wrote letters back and forth with my best friend for over 10 years. We never saw each other again after we moved from Steamboat Springs. I am not sure they fully grasp how absolutely cool it is that they have in internet to meet new friends and keep up with old ones. But on the flip side, getting a letter in the mail is a real treasure they may not appreciate.
My children may not know all the aspirations I had before the world got a hold of me. This is why I havent told them they couldnt do something. My kids are strong and can do big things.
They may not know that I had dreams about each of them before they were born. I knew who they were before they were because God allowed it. It gave me hope in a dysfunctional time.
They may not know the first computer I ever touched was an Apple IIe. It was HUGE compared to today’s
They may not know that I often feel very alone, even in a room full of people. I don’t consider myself exciting to be around, so I just listen and ask questions. I often know more about others than they know about me.
Of course this isn’t likely to be an inclusive list, but thibgs that come to my memory and are important to me. Perhaps this will somehow remind all of us that we may not truly know our parents and their lives… but some things may surprise you.
Dreaming in Paisley 