Man Down

My little family and I live pretty transparently.  We are very open about hurts, habits, hang ups, memes, solutions, world issues, etc. Mine is probably the only table you can sit around and talk openly about the panic attack you had earlier in the day with zero judgement over a piece of chocolate cake.  You see, in my family, we all have PTSD.  Lots of people use that diagnosis flippantly.  “I have PTSD from almost falling out of the chair too many times”… umm, no.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a trauma that occurs repeatedly over the course of time and the brain doesn’t quite know how to deal with it so coping skills that the brain deems necessary for survival become hard-wired.  It effects every part of your life.  Let me say that again.  Every. Single. Part. Of your Life. Things that most people would say “oh that’s not a big deal” can become an OK Corral Shootout in the mind of someone with PTSD.

Mostly associated with military, EMS workers, and law enforcement officers, it is doesn’t discriminate about ethnicity, religion, gender or socioeconomic status….Nor does it stay within the bounds of the above listed occupations.  People of abuse and domestic violence situations also step into this brain disorder.

I write an awful lot about healing.  Being responsible for your healing, seeking God to unlearn these thought patterns that short circuit the life you were meant to live.  I have come to realize in the last month that some people, no matter how much they desire to be whole and healthy, will not seek that healing.  Why?  If they feel so bad, if they have such depth of misery, why not seek healing in those “hot spots” so that life can become a new higher level of functioning and normal?  Because healing can be extremely painful.

Kicking these demons out that have taken root in your mind, heart, spirit, psyche, etc, is like trying to uproot a 150 yr old oak tree.  That tap root goes deep, to the core.  The root of this issue is not “all of a sudden”.  See, God designed us to be resilient. We are made to withstand “some” terrible things.  The problem comes with repetition. This reality, this new normal, becomes very painful to undo because it is now part of you.  So, when/if the person seeks healing, the trauma is relived as it is pulled from the person’s psyche bit by bit.

So why bring all this up?  Because this pervasive demon has struck again.  Not someone that I knew, but someone who was married to someone I knew.  No, I didn’t know this person, but it could’ve been someone I knew.  I know several people who fight this demon on the daily.  We walk around knowing nothing about the battle behind the eyes of people we see.

Do we take a minute to see them?  Or anyone for that matter?

How often do we ask ourselves what solution we can be part of today?

In my healing, I have learned that if I can encourage someone, lift someone up, have opportunity to show genuine kindness, it helps me to stay healed.  It helps me to understand the life I am meant to life in Christ.  A life of love and good fruits.  A life that, though not perfect, seeks to serve rather than be served, living selflessly in my calling.

Fighting beside those who fight this demon.  God fights for you.  God also sends others to fight with you.

 

Moments

I have had several moments like this in my life… I am going to go out on a limb and say you probably have too. Moments where you feel your DNA change, your soul shifts and you ask yourself if this is really as real as it seems. Moments so filled with awe, wonder, and infatuation that you can see the air that someone is breathing, and it smells like home. Moments that are so filled wonder….

I have had a whole pile up of those in the past year, well, ok, the past 5, but more concentrated in the last 3 and even boiled down further in the last 18 months to a fine syrup that is similar to a gritty sweet and sour sauce.

It amazes me how even with PTSD pushing lots of my memories out of reach, that something can happen in a flash that still changes and defines me differently for the rest of time. Of late, I have been focusing on happy memories. Points in time that made me feel worthy, loved and valuable. Is that what we all want, after all?

The hard thing is that with emotional abuse, things that seem good are wrought with some sort of conditional notice, some quid pro quo, that because this made you so incredibly happy and fulfilled, you will feel guilty or beholden to repay that debt of happiness. There is rarely a “take it at face value” kind of moment. I have a few of those that haven’t leaked through the cracks of my brokenness.

Like the first time I saw Colorado snow. My dad had an interview for a job on the Western slope of Colorado, quite a culture change from Birmingham, AL. I remember getting off the little propeller plane and seeing mounds of snow, it was March. Springtime in Alabama has zero snow and tons of rain. But I was in the wild west where there was 5 ft of snow… e v e r y w h e r e…. we took a shuttle to the Ptarmigan Inn, names like that you don’t forget… our room had a balcony. Not only did our balcony have 2 ft of fresh snow, but the snow on the ground came up to the balcony! All I wanted to do was climb over the rail… but that was most definitely not allowed.  We did end up going outside and making snow angels… my first snow angel. It was glorious! Pure happiness with no strings attached. Ah, if all of life was as simple as it was at 7!

Moments that mark your life.  Moments that you will say “before this” and “after that”.  It seems like when we think about these moments that divide our time, our lives even, we think about those challenges or pain-filled moments that left a scar.  What about good moments that mark our lives that are good?  Your first kiss?  Falling in love?  Graduating from high school?  These moments are definite markers in our lives, and definitely change our thinking into “before this” and “after that”.  Other moments are subtle but leave just as much of a mark, like an honest conversation or completing a project.  I have to say that recent quieter moments have served to be more healing, actually marking my time positively as I finish putting the past in the past.

Defining moments aren’t just about the past.  What moments in time define today?  Why not let those moments be positive changers for today?  There’s a ton of research supporting the fact that we can reprogram our brain to be more positive, to refocus our attention to the defining moments that would uplift, support and enrich our lives rather than destruct and tear us down.  How to begin?  Try starting each day with an attitude of gratitude.  Reflect on things that you are grateful for and that will overflow into other areas of your life and make those moments that define you even more meaningful.

Is it hard?  Yes.  It is hard to rethink how you think.  It takes w o r k.  And, even if you only start each day by being grateful for the sun shining through your window, that’s a start.  It’s not rocket science.  It’s just thankfulness.  And that thankfulness can define and re-define your whole day – even your whole life.

 

In Simple Terms

“The simplest definition I know of learning is this:  Learning is change.”  (Teaching to Change Lives by Dr. Howard Hendricks, p 88)

This semester and next will define my entire master’s program: discipleship.  Because it’s all about teaching, conveying, communicating… all about Jesus.

I never considered myself a teacher.  Even still, I would use the word facilitator or coach rather than teacher.  I find something curious and think that other people need to know as well – and so, that’s what I teach.  Sometimes it’s well put together and sometimes it’s not but perhaps even at my worst, some one is left with something to think about:  pretty convinced that God’s blesses me in spite of my own ridiculousness.

Almost 20 years ago now (yes, it’s been that long), God had placed a desire in my heart to facilitate a women’s ministry.  I cannot even put into words how overwhelmed I was to even feel this tug, and yet there was something comforting about the drawing.  Almost like when cartoon characters float on a yummy aroma… that’s kind of what it was like… and then you land and wonder what in the world to actually do about it.

So for the past nearly 20 years, I have written, taught, facilitated…wrung hands, prayed, begged and ran… and the last  nearly 5 of those have been in seminary going towards 1 giant question mark.  This semester I am actually learning how to teach, mainly because in a Baptist seminary, women don’t get preaching classes, we get teaching classes.  You know, at first I was mad as hell, just to be honest.  I was a n g r y. But then I decided that it’s all a matter of perspective anyway.  Jesus didn’t preach, he taught.

I know, so what, right?

And now we have John MacArthur who would sit on national TV and tell Beth Moore to “go home” (among other things).  I don’t understand this kind of thinking.

Learning is change, truly.  That means that as long as you’re learning and hungry to learn, you will change and grow – hopefully – into the person God has called you to be.  I have learned to decide which voice to listen to with regard to my calling.  For the longest time, I listened to others.  Like, the number of people in Bible study, the number of invitations (or lack thereof) that I got to speak/teach/preach (whatever terminology helps you feel better), then I began noticing that the more I listened to others, the less I was depending on Jesus to work out his calling over my life within me because I accepted their expectations as God’s expectations for my life.

I think the thing about trying to grow and change and make good choices is that God’s calling over anyone’s life is not dependent on what anyone says about you.  Not the pastor, not your best friend, not even the stranger you listened pour his/her heart out in the freezer section at WalMart.  Only God has the say so over my entire life and if I am listening to others loud voices over the small gentle voice of my Lord, then I am learning to change in the wrong way.  We keep forgetting that his yoke is easy and his burden is light.  We have many many opportunities to serve him. Never a regret for changing.